Going Back Down the Rabbit-hole
“We are making photographs to understand what our lives mean to us.”
For those who know me, welcome back! It will be fun to catch up with you and to show you what I’ve been up to. For those who don’t know me, welcome to my little side of the inter-webs. Let me tell you a bit about myself. [Brace yourself.]
Photography has been with me for many years. My maternal-grandfather once was a shutterbug who traded in his hunting rifle for a camera. He loved to photograph the people whom he knew and loved when they came for a visit. Light was his friend and his window-lit portraits were some of his very best. My father was also a ‘tog who reveled in the technical side of photography. As an Engineer he knew the ins and outs of various lenses and cameras and always had his color film carefully developed by professionals.
So, when I first held a camera, I found photography was in my blood. My type of photography became something in the middle of my grandfather and father—both creative as well as technical.
My first selfie, circa 1987
Throughout the early 90’s I concentrated on graphic arts, but found it lacked what I really craved which was a connection of sorts to my creative side: the esthetics were pleasing, but lacked any kind of “soul”. So, I turned back to photography after high school. I cracked open my piggy bank and splurged on a cheap 35mm film camera that came with one lens. I would spend hours in the woods and around train tracks teaching myself how to shoot. During that time I fell deeply in love with the craft. One wintry day on the beaches of Wells, Maine, while photographing an ocean kayaker coming out of the water in the late afternoon sun, I fully realized photography will always be my lifelong passion.
I met my husband in 2003 and right away he recognized my talent and passion. It was then decided I was to go to photography school at Hallmark School of Photography in Western Massachusetts to receive a more formal education.
Going thru Hallmark was like trying to drink out of a firehose. I was exposed to many different aspects of photography that I never was fully aware of until then. Such areas like still life, commercial, and digital all were foreign to me. I came out of that program with knowledge and know-how beyond anything I have done previously. More importantly I left there with a new career path. Wow! I could actually make money doing this? Previously I had done a handful of gigs for friends . . . . now it was all for real.
And, it wasn’t what I hoped it would be.
From 2005 to 2016 I built a little business, something I will always be happy and proud of. 100% of my income evolved around photography, so I was able to call myself a professional photographer. But, throughout those years there was a discontentment. Owning a photography business is not what it sounds like and it’s not as glamorous as people think. Photography only emcompasses up about 10% of the business. The rest is marketing, prepping and organizing for shoots, chasing down leads, and dealing with difficult clients. Hallmark School of Photography was right: a photography business has little to do with actual photography.
The other aspect of my discontentment concerned the photographic industry itself. In a world of ‘Lightroom Presets’ and brand intensive marketing and a FLIP attitude (Fix it Later In Photoshop), I felt photography itself was becoming obsolete by way of digital art, and what little there was of recognizable photography all looked the same. It’s so easy to just hit a preset in Lightroom than it is to shoot it right the first time and let your own personality shine thru in your work.
In the fall of 2015 I decided to take some classes at Boston University with the intention to go for a BA in Photography. The school has an amazing program, plus with the New England School of Photography and the PRC (Photographic Resource Center) nearby, it was the perfect plan and opportunity! I could surely do what I wanted and take photography in the direction I dictated. I started out slow (BU is #&%@ing expensive, even in-state!) with a 19th century Art class and a Modern Art class, both of which cover the beginnings of photography.
Again, I fell in love! Finally some meat to sink my fangs into. 19th Century Art started me down a rabbit-hole I’m still happily falling down. Studying the birth of photography put my mind into a world I’ve always wanted to be a part of [cue Little Mermaid music]. These photographers didn’t have ‘Lightroom Presets’ to cover up their shoddy work, or any other gimmicks. They were bare bones and authentic—if you didn’t get it in camera, tough luck. Talent and know-how with the camera was King. This all changed my views and my relationship with photography. I felt like I was coming home.
In the spring of 2016, our world was turned upside-down . . . in a good way. Chris, my husband, nailed down a job in Austin, Texas. We have always wanted to move to Texas for it’s lower taxes, increased freedoms, and warmer weather. So, it was too good of an opportunity to miss. But that left me at a crossroads: do I pick up my business and start all over again, or do I do something else?
After many hours debating—and lots of wine and hand wringing—I decided on the latter.
It was time and the move from Boston to Austin was the perfect opportunity to make the change. Time for me to pursue photography the way I’ve always wanted to. But, I still had a huge mental roadblock: I felt like a failed photographer.
After arriving in Austin, it was very difficult for me to pick up a camera. I’ve always said that ‘photography is hugely personal process’. Never before have I believed this statement so much. A new beautiful city and I could hardly pick up a camera to capture it.
I decided to get busy with my “next”. Medical Coding. Total 180, right?
So, why Medical Coding? Back in 2009 Chris suffered a massive DVT and subsequent “Pulmonary Storm”. I had zero clue what either of those terms meant and they, and the fact I didn’t know jack about anything medical, scared me. Ignorance is one of the scariest things in the world. The doctor told me that Chris had a blood clot in his left leg and that clot broke apart and settled in his lungs. He was damned lucky to be alive, or, as he put it, “Chris survived execution by machine gun.” So for the next few years as Chris recovered and settled into his life-long treatment regimen, I taught myself enough medical anatomy and terminology so I wouldn’t be ignorant or confused should anything else happen to my Chris.
I’ve known about Medical Coding for a while thru that learning process and decided to take it a step further and enroll in the Distant-Learning program at AAPC. A year later (and another move this time from Downtown Austin to South Austin) I passed the CPC (Certified Professional Coder) certification exam with high marks. I was amazed at how quickly I picked up the whole “coding thing”! I think working as a photographer helped as attention to detail is an essential skill in both professions, and I’m also a prolific reader, which also comes in handy. In the Summer of 2018 I sat for the advanced Orthopedic surgery coding exam (COSC) and passed again with high marks. This past Spring, I sat for the CEDC (Certified Emergency Department Coder), another advanced specialty.
All the while my cameras sat . . .unused. Lonely. Dusty. With nothing but themselves and the cats to talk to. Most photos I took during this time were with my iPhone, but it’s not the same. I missed shooting. So this past fall I picked them up, apologized to them, and dusted them off. They forgave me for the most part (my Canon 5D MKII is still in a foul mood).
Whatever mental-block I had is finally gone and I find I need photography more so than ever as a form of therapy. Interviewing for coding positions is not as easy as I thought I would be. The process is stressful and psychologically draining. Once I get the position—wherever that be—the job will be stressful and very demanding, but I’m up for the challenge. Photography will be here for me. It has a calming effect on me and reminds me of why I do what I do.
For those who know me, thank you for hanging in there with me. Your support has always been felt and known, especially from my husband, whom I owe everything to. For those who don’t know me, you now know quite a bit about me. Thank you for staying thru this horrifically long and personal post. I hope this helps in a small way either by making you feel Iike you’re not alone, or by giving you some grounding should as you face a cross-roads in your photographic life as well.
My goals for this blog and site are two-fold. First, to, in a way, get me back into photography. I feel like I’ve been away too long and I have much to say and much I want to do. Second, I’m going to be exploring further down the rabbit-hole and staying strictly in the realm of medium- and large-format photography. This is a perfect way to showcase my work.
Happy Shooting!
